I Am Alcatraz
We were talking about marriage and singleness, and Becca shared about how a friend of hers believes that if you wait too long to get married, then you just have more time to build up walls around your heart that will be hard to break down when the time comes. This troubled me, because after all, I've been single for most of my life.
"I must be Alcatraz!" I said, a little worriedly.
"Oh yeah, well then I'm Berlin!" retorted S4P, who has been single for even longer than me, seeing as how he is older. While I was still almost falling off my chair laughing, he thought better of his comment (since after alll, there is no more Berlin wall, hmmm) and ammended it to, "I'm China!" Which, of course, just made me laugh that much more.
But behind all the laughter, I had to admit to myself that there is some truth to this whole wall theory, at least in my case (I won't pretend to speak for Steve, Mark, Becca, or anyone else here). Quite frankly, I find it pretty easy to be single. I don't have to figure out what someone else is thinking. I don't have to worry about whether or not I am loved enough by someone, or whether I'm loving them enough. I don't have to check in with anyone before I make a decision to upend my life and travel halfway around the world for nine months (which I did twice in the past two years).
And yet, all that freedom has come with a price, namely that I am a prisoner (ironically) of my own fears--fears of getting close to someone, fears of getting hurt, fears of hurting someone else. I don't want to be Alcatraz. But that's what I've become, as I've tried to protect my fragile, easily-wounded heart. So yes, I've built some walls, no doubt about it. But, like the girl in the fairtytale, I'm waiting for the one who won't be daunted by their height, weight, and thickness, but who will care enough about what's behind them to get through one way or the other.
(By the way, that's pretty much what God has been doing with me, every single day. He knows what He's doing, though, and He has the right tools, not to mention plenty of patience...that's why I want a guy who knows Him. Breaching the wall is a delicate business and he should get his tips from an Expert!)