frogg files

"She could never be a saint, but she thought she could be a martyr if they killed her quick." --Flannery O' Connor

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Epiphany!

Oh my gosh, I just realized something awesome.

I had decided that I didn't want to check any bags on my flight to Portland, so I've been trying to pack as light as possible. But then I thought, "Dang it, how am I going to pack my shampoo and conditioner? I don't have any of those little 3oz bottles and I can't take the big bottles in my carry-on!" And that's when I remembered.*

I don't need to take shampoo and conditioner. I'm BALD. Tra la la la la la!


*I know it probably seems odd that I forgot I had no hair, considering how long I haven't had it. But every now and then, for no more than a split second, I really do. Strange, but true. And usually, when I remember that I'm bald, I'm bummed. But for once, I'm kind of stoked because honestly, I just hate packing shampoo and conditioner.

Off to Portland Tomorrow!

I should be packing right now. But of course I'm procrastinating. I wouldn't be me if I didn't wait til the very last minute, after all. Cancer may have affected my outlook about various aspects of life, but sadly it did not transform me into a paragon of organization and efficiency.

I really, really hope it doesn't rain all weekend. In addition to seeing Powell's and various other points of interest in the city, my friend and I may make it out to the coast and possibly Columbia Gorge.

I'll try to take some pics, too. Hopefully they're better than the ones I took in Thailand.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Don't Tread On Me

Stumbled across the following fascinating observation in a user comment at the end of this article about Facebook friendship:

Online friends are one demential and have to be treaded as such.

Thought-provoking, isn't it? Unlike the article, in fact, which was a rather shallow explication of social networking on Facebook. I've definitely read better critiques elsewhere. But at any rate, it didn't persuade me to sign up for a Facebook account. I remain Facebookless to this day, in spite of my real-life friends' repeated invites and perplexed queries as to why on earth I wouldn't join. The reasons are far too complicated to go into here (read: I can't be bothered right now), but I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't a subject of a future post.

In the meantime, why not ponder what treading one demential friends might look like. Hey, it can't be any less entertaining than taking a quiz to figure out what Disney character you most resemble. (Yeah, sure you haven't done that.)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Where Does The Time Go?

I can't believe it's the middle of June already. It doesn't feel like summer at all here in the Golden State. I've been wearing sweatshirts almost every day since the beginning of the month. On Sunday, we had our first glimpse of sunshine in literally weeks.

And now I'm getting ready to head up to Portland, OR, where apparently the weather forecast calls for clouds and rain this weekend. Yay.

Oh well, I'm still looking forward to the trip. For one thing, I need a vacation. Badly. For another, I'm finally going to see Powell's! And for yet another, I'm all done with chemo!!

Wait, that doesn't have anything to do with Portland. Oh well, who cares! I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!! Tra la la la la la LAAAAAA!

Yeah, I'm still pretty happy about that, in case you couldn't tell.

By the way, many thanks to those of you who commented with birthday wishes on my last post. I had an awesome birthday, truly one of the best ever—not least because I was alive to celebrate it! Thank God. Man, what a crazy year...

Friday, June 12, 2009

Happy BIrthday To Me!

Boy, did I ever earn this one.

Monday, June 08, 2009

What Part of "I'm Done With Chemo" Does My Body Not Understand?

The part that is still full of chemo drugs, I guess. Boo!

The weekend was pretty tough. I felt exhausted to the extreme physically, and depressed emotionally, so that on Saturday I could barely get out of bed all day. And though I ate, I found myself grossed out by food at the same time. Once again, nothing tasted right.

Sunday was better, and today was better still. At least my taste buds are almost back.

So people have asked me what's next, now that I'm finished with chemo and am in remission. Well, I'm not technically cancer-free until I get through the followup period, which will be about 2-3 years. I will probably have a CAT scan after six months. Then another PET scan six months after that. And so the cycle will go, I guess, until the followup period is finished. I'll know a bit more about the process after I've seen my doctor again, which will be in about five weeks.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to getting my hair back. The doctor said it would take about 6-8 weeks after my last treatment for it to start growing again. I can't wait!

I'm also looking forward to being able to run again. After my third treatment, I pretty much had to give it up, though on days when I felt good, I would try a jog around the Rose Bowl or wherever. Of course, it always turned into mostly a walk. Fatigue definitely increased with each treatment, and I've barely done any exercise at all over the past month. I miss it.

I still have moments — quite often, actually — of disbelief when I think about the past five months. When I say to myself the words, "I had cancer." It's so hard to get my head around it. I wonder if I ever will.

Friday, June 05, 2009

It's 2:52am...

...and not much has changed. I hate tonight. Bleah.

It's 1:53am...

... I can't sleep, I feel sick, and I have watched way too many old episodes of 30ROCK on Netflix over the past never-mind-how-many-hours.

Ugh.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

NOW I'm done!

I took my last dose of Prednisone today, which was the last of any drugs I needed to take as part of my final chemo treatment. I am officially done!

So why aren't I jumping up and down with delight and dancing my head off? Well, for one thing, I can't dance, but for another, I have to be honest... I have moments where I can't help but wonder, "What if it comes back?" Mind you, I want to celebrate and be extravagantly, deliriously happy that I'm in remission and continue to have a good outlook, but I'm starting to realize what the Psalmist meant when he talked about walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. The shadow leaves its mark, like it or not, even if you get through the valley okay.

Er, not to be morbid or anything.

Hmm, it appears that I'm not in a super great mood tonight. And I just realized how totally lame that is. Because you know what? I'm done with chemo! And I'm glad! I'm really, REALLY glad to be done with crappy chemo!!

For God's sake, someone bring me some dancing shoes. Stat.