I think it's funny how "google" is increasingly becoming a verb in our Internet-driven age. You don't merely use Google, you google...stuff. For example, one time I googled myself, and that's how I found out about my cousin, Walt L.
Wait a second. I don't have a cousin named Walt! What?!
Well, like I said, I googled myself one day, and found a link to this guy's web site, that had my name listed as his cousin. I was completely dumbfounded, because I had never heard of him. He also indicated that I was a missionary--which I had been, for the past two years. So I really started tripping out. Who WAS this mysterious man?
I went to his site (how could I possibly resist?) and was immediately assaulted, both visually and audibly, by the...ecclectic...site design and the cheesy, synthesized organ version of "Oh Donna" (at least I think that's what the song was). I scrolled down to find the line that Google had picked up with my name, and there it was...right underneath a picture of a wrinkled old woman. Actually, it was just a pencil drawing of her disembodied head, floating above a rather angry-looking, violently colored ocean.
I sat staring at this strange vision for a moment or two. Was that supposed to be me? Could it really be that there's another person in the world with the exact same name AND profession as myself, only thousands of years older?? Or...and this would be weird...could I be looking at my face in the future? Maybe Walt isn't my cousin yet, but he will be someday!
Ouch, my brain hurts.
I am not the only one who has learned something new about herself thanks to the wonders of the Internet search engine. A friend of mine found out that he was a boxing contender in Canada. Another one discovered that she was a Scientologist. Who knows what adventure in self-knowledge awaits you!
I really hope you'll let me know what you find out.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
The Single Girl, Part 2
My top five annoying things that people say to people who are single:
5) "Hey, my friend John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith is also single! You guys should really hang out."
Um, ok. I'm glad that we've figured out that Johnny and I have stuff in common like...being single. I mean, how could we NOT get along? We're both single! It's meant to be! Gah.
I could say more about this, but I doubt that I need to.
4) "But you're such a great person...why don't you have a boyfriend?"
Oh thanks, I was just thinking I needed a little salt for that wound! I honestly wonder what they expect me to answer. Perhaps I should say, "Because God is busily building my character and reliance upon Him so that I don't actually NEED the boyfriend that I want." (how about that, steveforpresident?)
Look, the bottom line is: I DON'T KNOW why I'm still single. I just...am. It's not like there is some boyfriend superstore out there and they happened to run out of the model I was looking for on the day when I went, ok? (But a boyfriend superstore--dang, how cool would that be? "I'll take two, please!" Kidding, kidding...)
3) "God's got someone for you, I just know it."
Christians are notorious for using this line. I absolutely refuse to say it to anyone, because quite frankly I DON'T know it. I don't know it for myself, so how could I possibly be sure of it for someone else? This line doesn't make any sense at all; if it was true, everyone would get married before they die, but they don't. Please don't EVER say this to me unless God has revealed it to you in triplicate: dream, Bible, and a neon sign on the freeway, like the sign on "LA Story" that tells Steve Martin what to do. I might believe you then.
2) "Well, we met when I had finally just given up my desire for a husband and surrendered to God."
The implication here is that if I can just manage to not want a man, I'll suddenly get one! This seems totally ridiculous to me the more I think about it. Throughout the Bible are numerous examples of God responding to a human's expressed desire. Look at Hannah in I Samuel begging God for a son, for example. God didn't say, "Oh, I'm sorry, Hannah. I'd love to give him to you, but first you really have to stop wanting him. When you just don't care anymore, then come back and we'll talk."
Well, I do care about getting married (most days, anyway), and I'd rather be honest with God about it. Of course, whether or not I get what I want, God still has my heart. I said "I do" to Him first, and I'm not going to turn around and walk away from Him because I do or don't get married here on earth. But why should I try not to want something that I want to want??
I will now leave you with my Number One Annoying Thing To Say To A Single Person:
1) "Have you tried the Internet?"
You know, this one really speaks for itself.
5) "Hey, my friend John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith is also single! You guys should really hang out."
Um, ok. I'm glad that we've figured out that Johnny and I have stuff in common like...being single. I mean, how could we NOT get along? We're both single! It's meant to be! Gah.
I could say more about this, but I doubt that I need to.
4) "But you're such a great person...why don't you have a boyfriend?"
Oh thanks, I was just thinking I needed a little salt for that wound! I honestly wonder what they expect me to answer. Perhaps I should say, "Because God is busily building my character and reliance upon Him so that I don't actually NEED the boyfriend that I want." (how about that, steveforpresident?)
Look, the bottom line is: I DON'T KNOW why I'm still single. I just...am. It's not like there is some boyfriend superstore out there and they happened to run out of the model I was looking for on the day when I went, ok? (But a boyfriend superstore--dang, how cool would that be? "I'll take two, please!" Kidding, kidding...)
3) "God's got someone for you, I just know it."
Christians are notorious for using this line. I absolutely refuse to say it to anyone, because quite frankly I DON'T know it. I don't know it for myself, so how could I possibly be sure of it for someone else? This line doesn't make any sense at all; if it was true, everyone would get married before they die, but they don't. Please don't EVER say this to me unless God has revealed it to you in triplicate: dream, Bible, and a neon sign on the freeway, like the sign on "LA Story" that tells Steve Martin what to do. I might believe you then.
2) "Well, we met when I had finally just given up my desire for a husband and surrendered to God."
The implication here is that if I can just manage to not want a man, I'll suddenly get one! This seems totally ridiculous to me the more I think about it. Throughout the Bible are numerous examples of God responding to a human's expressed desire. Look at Hannah in I Samuel begging God for a son, for example. God didn't say, "Oh, I'm sorry, Hannah. I'd love to give him to you, but first you really have to stop wanting him. When you just don't care anymore, then come back and we'll talk."
Well, I do care about getting married (most days, anyway), and I'd rather be honest with God about it. Of course, whether or not I get what I want, God still has my heart. I said "I do" to Him first, and I'm not going to turn around and walk away from Him because I do or don't get married here on earth. But why should I try not to want something that I want to want??
I will now leave you with my Number One Annoying Thing To Say To A Single Person:
1) "Have you tried the Internet?"
You know, this one really speaks for itself.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Taking the Day Off
Since I wrote three posts yesterday, I feel like I've earned a blog break today, but first I want to know where all my friends were last night. I called at least 6 of you in a row, from San Diego to San Jose, and not ONE of you answered your phones!! I mean, what are the odds? It was weird.
The cowgirl says whenever that happens to her, she starts to wonder if God is trying to get her to talk to HIM instead. Well, perhaps it's true. Goodness knows I owe Him a bit of quality time...
Anyway, have a great Tuesday, everyone. I'll be up to my usual tricks tomorrow.
The cowgirl says whenever that happens to her, she starts to wonder if God is trying to get her to talk to HIM instead. Well, perhaps it's true. Goodness knows I owe Him a bit of quality time...
Anyway, have a great Tuesday, everyone. I'll be up to my usual tricks tomorrow.
Monday, December 06, 2004
I Am Lame
I have an amazing talent. It's called "making a total idiot out of myself." You have no idea how gifted I am in this regard, but then again maybe you do, if you read my "News Flash" blog (previous). Basically I wrote about the potential awkwardness of working with my ex-boyfriend should he end up employed at the Apple Store along with me. To my surprise, who should comment on my blog but--my ex-boyfriend! He was a little taken aback, as you may imagine, but not nearly as much as I was at reading his comment. So do I feel stupid now? Well, duh.
Then again, I shouldn't feel like I am in any sort of unfamiliar territory when it comes to embarrassing situations. I am the same girl who, years ago in college with a different boyfriend, was caught kinda-sorta flirting with another guy over email. How did this come to light? Oh, well, it wasn't too difficult--I sent the "cheating" email to my boyfriend by mistake. Now THAT was awkward.
Or what about the time that I was at a church event one evening, and my sister called me over to introduce me to this guy, and she asked me, "Hey have you ever seen that cartoon 'Life With Louie'?" Well, I had, and I thought it was stupid and badly drawn, and I voiced my opinions in a very decided fashion, all the while not seeing my sister's increasingly warning look, until finally she interrupted my flow and said, "Yes, well So-And-So here is one of the animators on that cartoon." I don't remember how I backpedaled out of that one, but I don't think I was very successful anyway. (My sister says she doesn't remember this, but it is oh-so-indelibly seared on MY memory.)
So I am no stranger at all to moments of unbearable uncomfortableness. On the contrary, I create them almost effortlessly. It's a gift, like I said.
But I would just like to make a few things very clear before I put an end to this baring-of-soul: 1) I don't hate my ex. 2) I think flirting with someone while you are dating someone else is wrong, by email or otherwise, and I'm not proud of the fact that I did it. 3) "Life With Louie" was, in fact, a pretty lame cartoon.
Then again, I shouldn't feel like I am in any sort of unfamiliar territory when it comes to embarrassing situations. I am the same girl who, years ago in college with a different boyfriend, was caught kinda-sorta flirting with another guy over email. How did this come to light? Oh, well, it wasn't too difficult--I sent the "cheating" email to my boyfriend by mistake. Now THAT was awkward.
Or what about the time that I was at a church event one evening, and my sister called me over to introduce me to this guy, and she asked me, "Hey have you ever seen that cartoon 'Life With Louie'?" Well, I had, and I thought it was stupid and badly drawn, and I voiced my opinions in a very decided fashion, all the while not seeing my sister's increasingly warning look, until finally she interrupted my flow and said, "Yes, well So-And-So here is one of the animators on that cartoon." I don't remember how I backpedaled out of that one, but I don't think I was very successful anyway. (My sister says she doesn't remember this, but it is oh-so-indelibly seared on MY memory.)
So I am no stranger at all to moments of unbearable uncomfortableness. On the contrary, I create them almost effortlessly. It's a gift, like I said.
But I would just like to make a few things very clear before I put an end to this baring-of-soul: 1) I don't hate my ex. 2) I think flirting with someone while you are dating someone else is wrong, by email or otherwise, and I'm not proud of the fact that I did it. 3) "Life With Louie" was, in fact, a pretty lame cartoon.
The Single Girl
My friend Becca said I should write about the plight of single girls in their late 20s. Since I am one--a single girl in her late 20s I mean--I guess that makes me as much of an expert as anybody. So here we go--Becca, this one's for you!
Most days I don't mind being single. There are worse things in life, like, oh I don't know--eating leeches or something like that. If I had to choose between being single and eating a plate of leeches every day for the rest of my life, I would not choose the leeches. (I hear people saying, "That's because she hasn't found the right guy. If she had, she would GLADLY eat leeches as the price of being with him." Maybe they have a point, but I hope not.)
Personally I think my rapier wit and blazing-hot intelligence intimidates men, and THAT'S why I'm still single. This is what I tell myself, because if that's not the case, then I am forced to assume that my physical attraction capabilities are somewhat on a par with a sea anemone, and that is not particularly encouraging.
But then again, I am at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to dating, being a Christian and having to rely on Christian guys to be on the ball. Let me explain the subtleties of dating in Christian culture. Christian girls want to be pursued, and Christian guys want God to speak in an audible voice, telling them which girl is THE ONE before they ask someone out. As far as I can tell, God doesn't seem to cooperate with the guys' wishes, so the girls are left on their own to fume at how lame Christian guys are for not pursuing them. Then they go out with non-Christians, and Christian guys are then left to fume about the lack of quality, dedicated Christian women to choose from in the dating market. A vicious cycle indeed.
Now, some may accuse me of relying more on stereotypes and sweeping generalizations than actual research and facts to make my point, but I don't care. I am not a scientist, people, I'm a WRITER. We don't need FACTS when we have IMAGINATIONS.
I will grant that maybe Christian girls are being a bit unfair in not allowing themselves to consider that maybe when a guy doesn't pursue them, that is a sign that he is not, in fact, interested. But if the girl lets herself think that, she will feel like a sea anemone, and she would rather eat a plate of leeches. So she blames the guy for being clueless, because leeches are just too gross.
It's a very strange scene. Being single sounds positively appealing in comparison, doesn't it?
But I'd like to be not single at some point. Then I can write witty posts about the perils of dating instead. What do you think, Becca?
Check back tomorrow for the second part in The Single Girl series: "Is there a "The One" for everybody?" Unless I change my mind and decide to write about something else.
Most days I don't mind being single. There are worse things in life, like, oh I don't know--eating leeches or something like that. If I had to choose between being single and eating a plate of leeches every day for the rest of my life, I would not choose the leeches. (I hear people saying, "That's because she hasn't found the right guy. If she had, she would GLADLY eat leeches as the price of being with him." Maybe they have a point, but I hope not.)
Personally I think my rapier wit and blazing-hot intelligence intimidates men, and THAT'S why I'm still single. This is what I tell myself, because if that's not the case, then I am forced to assume that my physical attraction capabilities are somewhat on a par with a sea anemone, and that is not particularly encouraging.
But then again, I am at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to dating, being a Christian and having to rely on Christian guys to be on the ball. Let me explain the subtleties of dating in Christian culture. Christian girls want to be pursued, and Christian guys want God to speak in an audible voice, telling them which girl is THE ONE before they ask someone out. As far as I can tell, God doesn't seem to cooperate with the guys' wishes, so the girls are left on their own to fume at how lame Christian guys are for not pursuing them. Then they go out with non-Christians, and Christian guys are then left to fume about the lack of quality, dedicated Christian women to choose from in the dating market. A vicious cycle indeed.
Now, some may accuse me of relying more on stereotypes and sweeping generalizations than actual research and facts to make my point, but I don't care. I am not a scientist, people, I'm a WRITER. We don't need FACTS when we have IMAGINATIONS.
I will grant that maybe Christian girls are being a bit unfair in not allowing themselves to consider that maybe when a guy doesn't pursue them, that is a sign that he is not, in fact, interested. But if the girl lets herself think that, she will feel like a sea anemone, and she would rather eat a plate of leeches. So she blames the guy for being clueless, because leeches are just too gross.
It's a very strange scene. Being single sounds positively appealing in comparison, doesn't it?
But I'd like to be not single at some point. Then I can write witty posts about the perils of dating instead. What do you think, Becca?
Check back tomorrow for the second part in The Single Girl series: "Is there a "The One" for everybody?" Unless I change my mind and decide to write about something else.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Oh The Weather Outside Is Frightful...
Ok, not really. Southern California is hardly known for "frightful" weather. It's been beautiful, but it's been COLD. I am freezing my fingers off as I type this. Last night the cowgirl came into my room and found me in the fetal position around the heater again. I was lying so close to it, I almost burned myself. But at least I was warm! (I think I hear my midwest friends laughing at me, but I'm ignoring them.)
What I'd really love is a fireplace in my room. I am a huge fan of fireplaces. Some good friends of mine, who kindly let me live with them last year for about six months, have an awesome fireplace, and they really know how to make a great fire. They'd build it and I'd go fight their big black Labrador for the space right in front of it. (Yeah, that's right--I'M the top dog now.)
But there really is something so magical about a fire. I love the snap-crackle-pop of the dry wood. I love watching the way the flames dance. I like watching the ever-changing shapes in the smoke. I like the musty, earthy smell of burning wood.
You know, I'm really glad it's winter.
What I'd really love is a fireplace in my room. I am a huge fan of fireplaces. Some good friends of mine, who kindly let me live with them last year for about six months, have an awesome fireplace, and they really know how to make a great fire. They'd build it and I'd go fight their big black Labrador for the space right in front of it. (Yeah, that's right--I'M the top dog now.)
But there really is something so magical about a fire. I love the snap-crackle-pop of the dry wood. I love watching the way the flames dance. I like watching the ever-changing shapes in the smoke. I like the musty, earthy smell of burning wood.
You know, I'm really glad it's winter.
Getting Things Into Perspective
So I'm ready to talk about my recent bad mood. Basically I've been stressed that my life isn't quite working out according to plan these days. After two years abroad, I'm actually pretty close to being broke; I'm 29 and living with my parents; I'm stuck in Los Angeles; I am in a transitional phase which, as far as I can see, has no immediate end in sight. All these things have combined in such a way as to make me feel, some days, that I am just going to explode, or run away, or die--maybe all three! Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit--but really, only a little bit. Then today I thought of something.
A couple months ago, I was in Egypt. On my last day in Cairo, I visited a city that is also a rubbish dump. The people who live there actually live with garbage. They collect it, sort it, and do whatever else needs to be done with it. Garbage is literally everywhere. The stench of the place hits your nostrils before you even properly get into the city. My friends and I went there early in the morning, around sunrise, to visit a church that is built into the mountain there. Looking over a wall down onto the roofs of some buildings, I saw the black shapes of giant rats scurrying around over the huge bags of trash. There were lots of rats.
In the streets, I could barely breathe, the smell was so bad. I felt sick. I saw a donkey with no hair on its front legs, just raw flesh, oozing blood. Children skipped barefoot along the roads, which were nothing but dirt and more trash. I saw a woman sitting among garbage, sorting through it all with one hand while she held her breastfeeding baby with the other.
But these people had a dignity about them. There was no sense that they felt sorry for themselves or felt inferior in any way to people who might have more material possessions than they did. They smiled at us, welcomed us. They dressed their children well for school; groups of them passed by, shy smiles on shiny clean faces, the girls' hair expertly braided, white lacy socks turned down at the ankles. Watching them prance by on the way to school, chattering and laughing with each other and us while surrounded by dirt and garbage and all the trappings of severe poverty, I can hardly describe how I felt. It wasn't pity, exactly. They were above pity. I respected them, respected their ability to smile and laugh and carry on as normal people, though living in extremely difficult circumstances. And I absolutely know that, every appearance to the contrary, not one of these people is forgotten by God.
So why hasn't He done something about their poverty? I don't know. I have no answers to the questions of why some people have and some people don't, but for that very reason I should be thankful for the gifts I've been given, rather than focus on anything I perceive to be lacking. I owe it to God, and in some obscure way, I feel like I owe it to those people in the rubbish dump. How many of them would do just about anything to trade places with me? And yet I have been bemoaning the circumstances of my life, my lack of independence, my lack of finances, and who knows what else. I'm starting to see that I dishonor God through my complaining, and quite simply, I believe it hurts His feelings. God has given me so much--talents, opportunities, friends and family who support me, and much more. I can't count my blessings, because they are too many. I've made the terrible mistake of counting my "grievances" instead.
After all that, I'd like to say I've turned over a new leaf and will never complain ever again but unfortunately I know myself too well, and it saddens me to see that I am so prone to it. So maybe that's partly why I'm writing all this here, where anyone can read it. It's my way of apologising to God and giving Him the credit He deserves for taking care of me, which I deny every time I whimper and moan about what I don't have.
Like Job, I have said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." But when the going got a little rocky, I slandered God in front of others because things weren't panning out the way I wanted or planned. And I'm sorry, because I know He loves me, and I know I hurt Him with my negative attitude. And I hurt myself.
So am I saying I should just bottle up my feelings and not be honest about them? No. What I'm saying is, I need to start cultivating gratitude in my soul. Yes, I'm going through a tough time right now. But I'm not going through it alone. God is right here with me, and He has also generously provided help in the form of my family and my friends, and THAT'S what I need to remind myself of, more often than dwelling on the extent of my problems.
In the end, if there is one thing that I am learning through this whole crazy time, it's this: God really is faithful, even when I am not. And I'm more grateful for that than for anything else.
"My eyes are ever toward the Lord..." Psalm 25:15a
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall lack nothing." Psalm 23:1
A couple months ago, I was in Egypt. On my last day in Cairo, I visited a city that is also a rubbish dump. The people who live there actually live with garbage. They collect it, sort it, and do whatever else needs to be done with it. Garbage is literally everywhere. The stench of the place hits your nostrils before you even properly get into the city. My friends and I went there early in the morning, around sunrise, to visit a church that is built into the mountain there. Looking over a wall down onto the roofs of some buildings, I saw the black shapes of giant rats scurrying around over the huge bags of trash. There were lots of rats.
In the streets, I could barely breathe, the smell was so bad. I felt sick. I saw a donkey with no hair on its front legs, just raw flesh, oozing blood. Children skipped barefoot along the roads, which were nothing but dirt and more trash. I saw a woman sitting among garbage, sorting through it all with one hand while she held her breastfeeding baby with the other.
But these people had a dignity about them. There was no sense that they felt sorry for themselves or felt inferior in any way to people who might have more material possessions than they did. They smiled at us, welcomed us. They dressed their children well for school; groups of them passed by, shy smiles on shiny clean faces, the girls' hair expertly braided, white lacy socks turned down at the ankles. Watching them prance by on the way to school, chattering and laughing with each other and us while surrounded by dirt and garbage and all the trappings of severe poverty, I can hardly describe how I felt. It wasn't pity, exactly. They were above pity. I respected them, respected their ability to smile and laugh and carry on as normal people, though living in extremely difficult circumstances. And I absolutely know that, every appearance to the contrary, not one of these people is forgotten by God.
So why hasn't He done something about their poverty? I don't know. I have no answers to the questions of why some people have and some people don't, but for that very reason I should be thankful for the gifts I've been given, rather than focus on anything I perceive to be lacking. I owe it to God, and in some obscure way, I feel like I owe it to those people in the rubbish dump. How many of them would do just about anything to trade places with me? And yet I have been bemoaning the circumstances of my life, my lack of independence, my lack of finances, and who knows what else. I'm starting to see that I dishonor God through my complaining, and quite simply, I believe it hurts His feelings. God has given me so much--talents, opportunities, friends and family who support me, and much more. I can't count my blessings, because they are too many. I've made the terrible mistake of counting my "grievances" instead.
After all that, I'd like to say I've turned over a new leaf and will never complain ever again but unfortunately I know myself too well, and it saddens me to see that I am so prone to it. So maybe that's partly why I'm writing all this here, where anyone can read it. It's my way of apologising to God and giving Him the credit He deserves for taking care of me, which I deny every time I whimper and moan about what I don't have.
Like Job, I have said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." But when the going got a little rocky, I slandered God in front of others because things weren't panning out the way I wanted or planned. And I'm sorry, because I know He loves me, and I know I hurt Him with my negative attitude. And I hurt myself.
So am I saying I should just bottle up my feelings and not be honest about them? No. What I'm saying is, I need to start cultivating gratitude in my soul. Yes, I'm going through a tough time right now. But I'm not going through it alone. God is right here with me, and He has also generously provided help in the form of my family and my friends, and THAT'S what I need to remind myself of, more often than dwelling on the extent of my problems.
In the end, if there is one thing that I am learning through this whole crazy time, it's this: God really is faithful, even when I am not. And I'm more grateful for that than for anything else.
"My eyes are ever toward the Lord..." Psalm 25:15a
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall lack nothing." Psalm 23:1
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