Some Bright Ideas Really Aren't

Tonight, I had the following bright idea:

Cayenne pepper gives hot chocolate and eggnog a pleasurable kick. Maybe it will do the same thing for Coca-Cola!

So naturally, I put some cayenne pepper in a glass filled with Coke, and began to drink. Who wouldn't, right?

Well, I don't admit this often, but it turns out my idea wasn't really as bright as I thought. I mean, let's just say it certainly didn't necessitate my wearing shades, for instance.

I blame the fizz. The carbonation seems to react intensely with the cayenne. My first sip sent me into a frenzy of sneezing, coughing, and wheezing.

Also, my lips are burning.

Sooooo, turns out one should probably not put cayenne pepper into Coca-Cola! Aren't you glad you know that now? My life has certainly been... enriched.

(I'm not sure that's actually the word I'm looking for, but it's hard to concentrate when one's lips are burning.)

Rules of the California Road

I think I've figured out why driving is such an incredibly frustrating endeavor in Southern California.

It's because no one is actually FROM here. So they don't know our unique road rules!

The older I get, the less Southern California natives I seem to run into. In my office alone, I am surrounded by transplants--from Ohio, Michigan, New York, Connecticut, Northern California (which would almost be considered another state, trust me). Also, here is a list of the license plates I've seen while inching along in traffic in the City of Angels:

Arizona
Arkansas
Colorado
Connecticut
Florida
Georgia
Idaho
Illionois
Indiana
Kentucky
Louisiana
Massachussetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Nebraska
Nevada
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
Washington
Wyoming

Yep, that's most of the fifty United States, mixing and merging on California's jam-packed roads. And I don't know what they teach them in these other states' driving schools, but judging from the driving methodology I have had occasion to observe on countless occasions, it's nothing that will stand these drivers in any sort of good stead in OUR neck o' the woods.

So I thought I might provide a valuable public service and explain the rules of driving in the Golden State, because there often seems to be some confusion about just how to navigate through the jumbled tangle of concrete that passes for a "freeway system" (oh, how loosely I use that term "system"!) here in SoCal.

Rule #1: Drive faster than the posted speed limit. A lot faster.

Yes, I know. Speeding is technically against the law, blah blah blah. But I'm sure there must also be a law against dawdling along at 60mph in the FAST lane, where people are SUPPOSED to go 80+. See, when you do that, you force people to pass you on the right-hand side, and that is also technically against the law.

So please, do everyone a favor and if you are going to go slower than 65mph (which is the posted limit in most of California, except for I-5 between LA and SF, which should really just have its speed limit signs taken down and be renamed the West Coast AutoBahn), do it in the slow lane. Which, just for the record and to clear up any confusion, is located to the extreme RIGHT of the freeway. Better yet, do it in another state, where they actually prefer you don't speed! Then we'll all be happy and there will be a lot less road rage. And isn't that something we can all live with? I think so.

Rule #2: See rule #1.

That's it! See how easy it is? And yet, apparently, so incredibly difficult...

Conversation With Steve #3: The Future of Relationships

So, as long as we're talking about relationships, I thought I'd share this rather depressing article.

Apparently, people are so addicted to computers and surfing the Net, that they will literally go on dates with their laptops in tow, and communicate via typing. While not talking at all.

In light of this story, I think an IM conversation I had with my friend steve back in February was frighteningly prescient. Keep in mind while reading that we were both in his condo, just in different rooms--I had spent the night on the couch, prior to heading up to Tahoe with him and his roommate for a snowboarding weekend:

7:47:49 AM steve: what the?!?!
7:47:55 AM grackyfrogg: haha
7:47:58 AM steve: who is this????
7:48:00 AM grackyfrogg: good morning!
7:48:02 AM grackyfrogg: very funny
7:48:15 AM steve: no way you are up
7:48:32 AM grackyfrogg: oh how weird...i must still be asleep then
7:48:37 AM steve: lol
7:48:42 AM grackyfrogg: :)
7:48:52 AM grackyfrogg: i always get up at 6.30am anyway...so it’s hard to really sleep in
7:49:05 AM steve: i will go make coffee now
7:49:19 AM grackyfrogg: have you been dying for it?
7:49:22 AM grackyfrogg: :)
7:49:23 AM steve: no
7:49:27 AM steve: not yet
7:49:27 AM grackyfrogg: thats good
7:49:34 AM steve: but i havent had to think too much yet
7:49:47 AM steve: just reading emails and news and such
7:49:57 AM grackyfrogg: oh i thought you had a meeting??
7:50:21 AM steve: somehow that wasnt on my calendar when i got up, i think the guy must have cancelled because hes off today
7:50:39 AM grackyfrogg: oh too bad he didnt tell you before!
7:51:16 AM steve: usually they do, im not sure what happened, maybe he did and i just assumed it was this morning as usual
7:51:34 AM grackyfrogg: well come on out and make some coffee
7:51:35 AM grackyfrogg: :)
7:51:43 AM steve: ooooooooookkkkkkkkkk
7:51:51 AM grackyfrogg: lol
7:51:56 AM steve: just think if we were married and we communicated like this
7:51:59 AM steve: IMing
7:52:01 AM grackyfrogg: LOL
7:52:06 AM grackyfrogg: that would be terribly depressing
7:52:08 AM steve: no talking
7:52:17 AM grackyfrogg: what a weird marriage that would be
7:52:22 AM grackyfrogg: i wonder if there are marriages like that!
7:52:23 AM steve: like we would be 4 feet apart
7:52:30 AM grackyfrogg: lol
7:52:33 AM steve: and still IMing
7:52:46 AM grackyfrogg: oh man, its funny to think about...but if it were true, how sad!
7:52:56 AM steve: honey, im sorry about last night.....
7:53:02 AM grackyfrogg: hahahahaha
7:53:09 AM grackyfrogg: or wait, here :(
7:53:11 AM grackyfrogg: :_(
7:53:22 AM grackyfrogg: thats how youd have to express emotion
7:53:25 AM grackyfrogg: with emoticons!
7:53:49 AM steve: hmmm, maybe it wouldnt be so bad....
7:53:53 AM steve: much less drama
7:54:20 AM steve: and you can have fights without waking the kids!!
7:55:29 AM grackyfrogg: how would you ever get around to having kids?
7:55:34 AM grackyfrogg: haha
7:55:43 AM grackyfrogg: the only communication being IM would make that process a little awkward
7:55:45 AM grackyfrogg: i would think
7:56:35 AM steve: invitro
7:56:50 AM grackyfrogg: LOL
7:56:56 AM grackyfrogg: ugh, this just gets worse all the time!
7:57:07 AM steve: one day shes like "hey, i had the baby today"
7:57:31 AM grackyfrogg: and then he goes :O
7:57:34 AM grackyfrogg: and then :)
7:57:39 AM grackyfrogg: and she's like :)
7:57:47 AM steve: the husbands all "oh i thought i heard some noises from the other room, cool!"
7:57:50 AM grackyfrogg: and he goes *hug*
7:57:54 AM grackyfrogg: hahahaha
7:58:08 AM steve: ha

And here I thought we were just joking. Meanwhile, people are actually starting to conduct relationships like this.

I am very non-sanguine about the future. Sigh.

Wondering

I'm sorry. I have been horribly unentertaining of late. But it's not my fault.

It's my life's, for being so boring.

Also, I guess I've had a lot on my mind.

Mainly, I've been wondering a lot about the nature of this thing people call being "in love." Probably because I've gone on a few dates in the past month, but so far, I have not exactly been swept off my feet. So, how does falling in love really work? Or does it stop being possible after you hit a certain age? Like, 31? Just as an example, of course.

I wonder sometimes if the whole falling in love phenomenon is nothing but a Hollywood construct. A fantasy imposed on a flimsily built illusion of reality, designed to make us all incapable of committing to anyone on the basis of anything but transitory emotions.

At least, that's what I think when I am feeling cynical.

But in spite of my best efforts, there remains a deep-seated streak of romanticism in me, which makes me hope very much that falling in love is something real. Something I should hope for. Something that is worth waiting for.

I don't really know, anymmore.

Maybe people are right about me. Maybe I am just too picky. Maybe what I want is right in front of me, but I can't see it because I'm looking for some unrealistic ideal.

I wonder.

Signs

It's an interesting phenomenon that I've had occasion to observe more than once, that anytime I make plans to start getting back in shape, one of two things are bound to happen:

1) It will rain, thus preventing me from going for a fitness-inducing walk/jog, because honestly, who wants to walk/jog in the rain?

2) I'll get sick.

This week, both things happened.

Yesterday, I called in sick to work. I had a sore throat, I was achy, and I had a very bad case of the Mondays, even though it was Thursday. So I didn't go to work. Neither did I "work out." What I did do was sit around, read, eat (caramel popcorn and peanuts, mostly), and play the piano.

I am not unaware of the fact that none of the above-mentioned activities is particularly known for its calorie-burning potential. But I don't care.

Then this morning, I got up, and lo and behold! The ground outside was soaked with rain, and it was still sprinkling. Guess I couldn't go for a walk/jog!

Aside from not being able to exercise, though, I have to admit I was appalled. Rain! In August!! In Southern California!!! The world really is coming to an end, folks. And if so, I'm not going to be bothered by how skinny I am, or am not. There are much more important things to be concerned about.

Like dessert. I mean, just as an example.

Frogg's Total Fitness Show: Episode One

Well, I managed a quick, passing glance at the package containing the ab cruncher this morning. I almost broke a sweat doing it, too. That's enough crazy fitness for one day!

Maybe tomorrow I'll actually go as far as opening the box and taking the ab cruncher out of it.

Whoa. I got tired just writing that.

Something tells me that this Total Fitnes Journey is going to involve a long, difficult road. Sigh...

Oh well. Until tomorrow, then. In the meantime, I give you the quote of the day, which has nothing whatsoever to do with fitness, thank goodness. Officer Bob Martinez of Arcata, Ca., was interviewed by the Times-Standard newspaper (via Obscure Store) after helping to apprehend a conspicuously disguised ATM/credit card bandit. Officer Bob brought this insightful bit of wisdom to bear on the situation:

If you're trying to get away with something, wearing a clown mask on a Monday afternoon in Valley West is not the way to do it.

Hmmm. Now there's a point to ponder if I ever heard one. Thank you, Officer Bob.

Frogg Fitness!

I made the unfortunate mistake of putting on my "skinny jeans" today. I am still not sure what possessed me (although I suspect my decision may have been ever so slightly influenced by the fact that other options were dirty and/or needing ironing).

I just hate wearing my skinny jeans, though. They always remind me that they are, in fact, skinnier than I am, and that I need to work out more. Which means, I need to work out, period.

Luckily for me, the cowgirl left behind an ab cruncher the last time she visited--one of two that she got for one incredibly low price of something-nine-ninety-five from (what else?) a late-night infomercial.

The funny thing about buying exercise equipment in particular from an infomercial is, of course, that you are sitting in front of the TV not exercising while watching the infomercial hosts rave about how this amazing piece of equipment will get you in the most stunning shape of your LIFE in just two weeks even if you are a 100-year-old great-grandmother who hasn't exercised since she was born. (Naturally, individual results may vary, and the 100-year-old great-grandmother model who is prancing around in her bathing suit onscreen should not be taken as an example of "typical" results. After all, she is actually 23. Oh, and she's never even had children.)

But the point is, I really want to fit into my skinny jeans without having to forfeit things like sitting or breathing for an entire day, so I've decided to embark on an all-new journey to Total Frogg Fitness. And yes, the ab cruncher will play an important part! (So will not eating, I can already imagine.) Moreover, you, my dear readers, get to follow along as I chronicle my exercise efforts right here, before your very eyes. We'll see if I can look like a 100-year-old grandmother in just two short weeks.

Unless, of course, I change my mind and decide to write about something else. Not like that's ever happened.