A Rant of Biblical Proportions

Yesterday on my way home from breakfast, I stopped at a local used bookstore that specializes in books on Christian theology and spirituality. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, but as I walked in I remembered that I had been thinking about getting a chronological Bible and decided to see if they had any. But I was only in their "Bibles" section for two seconds before I felt the familiar weariness that is my standard reaction to Christian bookstores as a whole.

There were so many Bibles. I'm not talking about translations here; I'm talking about "The Couple's Devotional Bible", the "Celebrate Recovery Bible", "The Groom's Bible" (subtitle: "preparing spiritually for the most important day of your life"), and the one that really made me gag, the "Busy Life Bible" ("Got a minute? Only a minute? This Bible is designed just for you").

There were Bibles for students, for dads, for "all people" (I guess just in case, God forbid, a niche market was overlooked). There was an "Inclusive" Bible, which sounds like the Bible for all people, except it's not; it's an "egalitarian" Bible, meaning it uses words like humankind instead of mankind, and so on. There were indeed chronological Bibles (none of which I ended up buying), as well as one-year reading plan Bibles and study Bibles — including the "Inspirational Study Bible", edited, to my complete lack of surprise, by Max Lucado.

I'm not going to make some big point here (probably to your complete lack of surprise). I just feel kind of sad. It's bad enough, in my opinion, that American Christianity has been commodified into bumper stickers and T-shirts with saccharine slogans on them, or Jesus Christ action figures, or (God forgive us) this. All of that is plain awful, period. But what can you expect from people who see in the sacred text itself an opportunity for profit? Every carefully branded iteration of what used to be simply The Holy Bible is yet another triumph of marketing over mystery.

We talk about Christ paying the price for our sins. Well, believe me, he still does.

Titles Are For Lesser Mortals...

...or maybe mortals who are simply lesser tired than I am right now. (If that's you, and you happen to think of a good title, you can post it in the comments section.)

So part of the reason for all the silence of the past however many months is that I have been in the last semester of my MFA program, and really had to focus—or at least make a better go of pretending to focus than I usually do. And now, here I am finally nearing the end of the whole graduate-school adventure. I have less than two weeks left before my very last packet of writing is due to my mentor.

If I weren't such an expert at being in denial, I'd probably be panicking right now. Instead, I'm writing this blog. Meaning that the benefits of my denial are all yours, my darlings. (Assuming you consider this rambling non sequitur of a post as a benefit.)

Aside from finishing things up with the MFA, I also got promoted to the position of copywriter at the marketing agency where I work. Which means that I have become remarkably proficient at using language to convey absolutely nothing of consequence. Adjectives in particular have lost all meaning for me. In our marketing materials for our two biggest clients (both in the travel industry), I find myself penning such compelling prose as "Relax in the spectacular Caribbean" or "Enjoy the amazing scenery of the Amazon" or, if I'm really on my game (and here I must ask the kids NOT to try this bit of linguistic artistry at home without the supervision of a trained grammarian), "Bask in the sun-drenched beauty of a relaxing day on an amazing beach full of scenery in the idyllic splendor of the Hawaiian Islands."

Awe-inspiring, isn't it?

Well, to say that the aforementioned sort of writing conflicts with the sort of writing I'm getting the MFA for is a little like saying that water and fire aren't exactly best buddies, but at any rate it pays the bills. Which I certainly cannot say about the creative writing. At least not yet!

Although, if any of you feels inclined to pay me for these blogs, feel free. I would be full of astounding gratitude and I promise to put the spectacular money to a magnificent cause. Like, say, a deliciously soothing getaway amidst splendidly tropical scenery.

Hey, it was just a thought.