Scary Stuff

I'm not a big fan of being scared.

I don't do well with scary movies, for example. I find it very hard to convince myself that "it's just a movie." Oh, I realize that it's fictional on some abstract, intellectual level. But on a heart-pounding, visceral, gut-wrenching level, it seems all too real.

I'll never forget the time I watched "Pet Cemetery." It was late at night (of course), and it was just me, my brother, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend in the house. I think I almost cried when the movie was over, and not from an overdose of sentiment. No, it was out and out terror. I made my boyfriend check every single room of the house before he left, especially under my bed and in my closet. (I would have asked my brother, but he was also terrified. He and I shared a room that night. And no, I'm not telling you how old we were.)

One time, years ago, I had to go to Knott's Scary Farm, back when I worked with the YMCA and was a volunteer youth leader for the jr. high kids. I did NOT want to go, but it was a field trip for the kids, and I had to chaperone. For those of you who have not had the dubious privilege of experiencing Knott's Scary Farm, let me just say this: if you have a heart condition, or are even remotely highly strung, you should avoid it at all costs.

It's not just the people dressed in terribly realistic costumes of werewolves, witches, and other creatures of the night, who hang out in the shadows until you walk by and then rush out at you without warning. They're scary, alright, but since you can usually spot them before they jump, run, or slide on their knees out toward you, it's harder to be caught off guard. But when you go inside the mazes--all bets are off. Take a clean pair of underwear along; trust me, you'll need it.

I was in one of the mazes with some of the other jr. high leaders, and I was clutching the backpack of one of the guys, trying to stick as close as possible to safety. The thing about the mazes is that the passages are so narrow. If something reaches out of the shadows, there really is no escape. I was also trying to walk with my eyes closed and it wasn't working too well.

Then I had the sensation of someone following close behind me. I looked over my shoulder and screamed!!! A monster! RIGHT BEHIND ME!!! I didn't stop to think, but acted swiftly. I was still holding onto my friend's backpack, so I did what any normal, red-blooded, terrified female would do--with superhuman, adrenaline-boosted strength, I swung my friend around and shoved him straight into the arms of the monster, and took off running!

Not my finest hour, I admit. But greatly amusing for everyone around me.

All this to say, Halloween is not exactly my favorite holiday. I think it's strange to "celebrate" death by dressing up as...well, a dead person or a zombie or whatever. It's ugly and scary and wrong. On the other hand, the free candy is a definite perk. If you get your hands on Bottlecaps, save me some! They're my favorite!

So, the moral of my story: have fun this Halloween, stay safe, and don't invite me to any scary movies, unless you are prepared to hold my hand and listen to my whimpering and moaning all the way through. There, you have been warned! Mmmuu-hahahahahaha!!!!