I wonder sometimes what happened to my life. When did it become so...unpredictable? So strange? So unfamiliar?
Actually I can answer that question. June 2002. That's when I left the United States for New Zealand. The first time. Who could've imagined the roller coaster ride I was in for, over the next two years? Not me, for sure.
What I'd like to convey right now is the feeling of falling apart that I can't seem to escape. The fact that I don't have it all together, no matter what sort of image I manage to project. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I am a mass of unfulfilled dreams, debilitating insecurities, strong doubts, tentative-but still determined-faith.
Some days I want to scream. Other days, I just want to lie in bed and never get out. And sometimes--like this past weekend--I take a break from my life to pretend I have a normal one again, and I hang out with friends, laugh, watch movies, go out for coffee...and imagine that everything makes sense.
I guess I feel a little like...well, like Mt St Helens a few weeks ago. Under pressure, but not quite ready to blow my stack quite yet.
Why am I saying all this here? Mostly because I can. But also, I just want you know...if I seem edgy, restless, easily irritated...I'm just trying to keep it together, and maybe I spring a few cracks here and there. Don't take it personally. I don't mean it that way.
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5 comments:
*hug*
:)
thanks. i needed that!
I thought 2 hugs would be better than 1 so...
*HUG*
Brian.
pressure pressure pressure, insecure presure on an insecure life. Living and working in the amazon married at 21 wife pregnant at 22 full time missionary after 2 years of christian life. pressure. worries , i do scream,alot! sometimes i can't leave my room for a day or two. Outside world equals slum with needy people asking can i have this and that. I am rich to them, if they only knew. I must become this culture or so everyone thinks. pressure to communicate through portuguese heck my new son will speak better than me. Its so hot here,i just want to relax at home in new zealand on the couch with my cat ren, stimpy died a few years back. And when i consult God about this all he says is , do you see what I see, .........
Does Grace see as He sees. You have been set free from normality.
xxmichael
Hey thanks for your honesty it is very refreshing in a world where many are so concerned about image and at least appearing to have it all together, whatever that means. I related a little too well to not being sure what I am doing with my life and being full of unfulfilled dreams...etc, but hey I'm not giving up yet. Last week I wanted to die, this week I started to make serious plans for changing the world, does that make me manic depressive?
As for normality- "why be normal when you can be yourself" or in other words why try to be what they(whoever they are)say we should be or do. So thanks for being you.
Darren from Australia
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