Vanity Fair

So today I went to get my eyebrows waxed, which I always approach with a measure of trepidation, because I remember the first time I ever had it done. All these people told me about how relatively painless it was, and I, like a fool, believed them. Actually, I guess they were right, if you compared the pain to, say, childbirth. Anyway, needless to say, I was ill-prepared for the nightmare of first having hot wax smoothed around my brows (this was actually the least painful part), then ripped off along with who knows how much of my actual hair (it felt like all of it), with a nice finishing touch of violent tweezing (which felt like it was done with sharp needles) to make sure all stray hairs were taken care of.

I can recall lying there on the eyebrow-waxing bed (which bore a striking resemblance to a hospital gurney) with my eyes watering behind closed lids and praying fervently with clenched fists for God to forgive me for my horrible sin of vanity. The pain and the punishment were one and the same.

It was a long, long time before I had my eyebrows done again.

Now, of course, I'm a little more used to it, though I still don't do it often. At least, not often enough to make it less painful as time goes on. But today's experience was actually quite nice, because the stylist told me that I have some of the most beautiful brows she has ever seen. She couldn't stop telling me how impressed she was with them. And I don't like to brag or anything, but she did also say that I should be...an eyebrow model. Yes, that's apparently how good my eyebrows are. Who knew?

I'd like to think the rest of me would be model material as well, but so far no one has told me so. Except for girlfriends, but they don't count. Not that I don't love you, girlfriends, but you have to admit, you would tell me I was gorgeous even if I had a Mt Vesuvius-sized zit in the middle of my forehead that glowed in the dark. That is, of course, why you are my friends, but that's also why I don't entirely trust you!

Just jokes, folks. But even if I don't have Cindy Crawford's body, at least I know I can give her a run for her money in the eyebrow department. That has to count for something somewhere. I hope.