Lately I have felt like I'm being torn in two; like deep inside me two people are fighting with each other over which one will be the one people see on the outside, and the one they do see right now isn't either of the fighting ones.
If that sounds crazy, it probably is. But please don't send the white coats yet.
I guess this is what Jesus meant when he talked about the struggles between light and darkness, and what Paul the apostle meant when he said our fight wasn't against flesh and blood, but against unseen spiritual forces. Believe me, I never quite know which side is going to win on any given day in my life. My soul is like the poor rope in a game of tug-o-war. Unfortunately, the stakes for this particular game are pretty high.
Sometimes I wish to God I wasn't a Christian. And if that sounds ironic, well, it probably is.
But life really would be so much easier if I left it all behind. I wouldn't agonize over decisions--is this God's will or isn't it? Is this going to please Him or not? Am I on the right track? IS there a right track? Is there a wrong one?
It's tempting, oh it is so tempting to just walk away. To start over with a blank, atheistic slate and just write my own story without any interference from God.
I walk close to the edge, but then...I feel the pull of the light as I lean over the gaping black hole opening up inside me and peer down into it. The light always draws me back. And when it does, I wonder how I ever contemplated jumping into the hole.
It's all Jesus' fault, really, the fact that I DON'T jump. If it weren't for him, I think I would have an easier time saying goodbye to God. And I don't say that with any sense of being pleased with myself; it's a sad commentary really. But the thing is, Jesus gave God a face. God can sometimes be so abstract, so "out there." Jesus brought him "down here." I look at Jesus and I go, "Oh. So THAT'S what God's about...loving the unloved, helping the poor, healing the sick, having compassion, and giving, giving, always giving. Who knew?"
Jesus makes me stick around. I love him. I can't explain it, I just do. Not particularly faithfully, I'm ashamed to say. Not with any great passion even, at times. But that is the one constant in my schizophrenic wanderings, is that I always seem to come back to Jesus and I realize I don't really want to go to anyone else, least of all myself.
Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
--John Donne, Holy Sonnet 14
4 comments:
Wow! Heavy thoughts for a mid-week. Sometimes, when I'm there, I just imagine casting myself on God's mercy, reminding Him that I don't know anything, I can't do anything or be anything without Him. There's a fine line between thinking too much and not thinking... but God's always there to catch us.
No matter how hard, sometimes depressing it can get trying to live for God, stick with it. As I have pretty much gone to the other side, (sounds like a star wars movie doesn't it) an left God. The problem is God doesn't seem to leave me (Thank GOD!). It is a lot worse trying to live with a foot in either camp (a real big foot in the worlds camp) an being in a place of limbo than battling to carry your cross but never the less still holding on. But at least for those who have known God you know there is always hope! Basically living with an for God is best, guess it just seems the hardest but it's not worth leaving God and losing your joy an peace. It all seems rather heavy doesn't it but to me the answer is simple just to follow threw with it is not. Hope this made some sense. P.s if you havn't left God your not even close to crazy maybe just a bit weird ;-) my craziness out weighs your crazyness anyday
:-)
hiya grace. this is amy. i totally resound with this one. a poet friend that i had expressed it well when he said that he feels like he goes back in forth between having his romantic self in charge and his logical side in charge. things make sense differently to these two halves most of the time, but i think they take turns pretty evenly. and when we have a peaceful phase, i think that they are both working together - a lovely synthesis. the romantic side is good for sparking passion and invisioning things differently and is pretty good at rearing its head when it has been ignored too long. creative tension maybe, and not so much a war sometimes. i don't know if this fits what your experiencing! anyhow, your blog just reminded me of that old conversation. i'm risking putting too much of my personal life on the internet when i tell you that this conversation was followed by a very romantic gesture that was awkward and public...very very funny in hindsight! he was a brooding existentialist...beware the pull of the romantic moon phase grace...
but i do think a little doubt is a health, sane thing. sometimes it all sounds so crazy to my ears - but never to my heart. and i do wish that the lord would simply ravish my soul and make it totally his so that i wouldn't be tossed on the waves and pulled away. i am so longing for consciousness of the presence and will of god right now. i'm trying to remember that during these dry times my root are searching for deeper sources of water, but most of the time (lately) i feel indifferent. and then sometimes i'm randomly crying becase something stirs up that deep longing to feel closer, to be abiding in God and i miss that connection. okay. i've got to return to Getting Things Done. see you friday.
hey it's amy again. here are some words from the great gerard manley hopkins, from the wreck of the deutchland (stanzas 9 &10):
"Thou art lightening and love, i found it, a winter and warm;
Father and fondler of heart thou hast wrung:
Hast thy dark descending and most art merciful then.
With an anvil-ding
And with fire in him forge thy will
Or rather, rather then, stealing as Spring
Through him, melt him but master him still:
Wether at once, as once at a crash Paul,
Or as Austin [St. Augustine], a lingering-out sweet skill,
Make mercy in all of us, out of us all
Mastery, but be adored, but be adored King."
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